Forgiveness. We talk about it a lot, but what happens when we bump into the need to extend while also serving in ministry?
I will never forget this. One time, I opened up to someone I deeply cared about. I shared my heart, struggles, fears, and doubts with them openly and honestly. It was raw and vulnerable. In that moment, things went off the rails. It was as if they saw my vulnerable state and strapped on cleats to dance all over me.
That experience hurt. It still hurts. It stirs in my mind in my quiet time. It pops into my brain whenever I feel an opportunity to be vulnerable with a friend. It caused me to unintentionally build walls with those that I should be able to be knock over. Does this attack against me call for forgiveness? How do we forgive when people wrong us, speak against us, or flat-out hurt us?
Let’s see what Jesus has to say about it in Matthew 18:21-35.
Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.
Matthew 18:21-35
“But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ So his fellow servant fell down at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.”
I want to put some context around this conversation between Jesus and the disciples which is so intriguing to me. First, Peter’s question, “How often should I forgive? Seven times?” That number always seemed odd to me. Why seven? He couldn’t round to the nearest 5? Not even an even number? A commentary I came across said that it was not that odd placed at all. The rabbinic consensus was to forgive someone 3 times. If they repeated a sin against you a 4th time, you didn’t have to forgive them again.
Peter was trying to show off! His question was likely less about forgiveness and more about showing how holy he was to Jesus. That kinda flopped. I love that Jesus takes a moment of potential selfishness and turns it into an opportunity to truly grow his disciples. Next up, let’s dig into some of these details because it’s easy to overlook in our disconnected context.
The king in our story was owed 10,000 talents. Jesus tells us the king had compassion on the servant and forgave his entire debt. How amazing? He was in debt but now he was in the clear. He could go on the Dave Ramsey show if he wanted to. This servant did what anyone would do with this kind of tremendous news. He goes to the streets to celebrate his freedom and forgiveness.
While in jubilation, he finds a friend that owes him a hundred denarii. This comes out to a day’s wage for a laborer. So let’s say a 12-hour day at minimum wage. That means this servant owed him around ninety bucks. Do you see the problem?
Forgiveness was offered for the much higher debt, yet it was not reciprocated to the smaller debt. Compassion was not offered for the lesser debt. You are pastors and leaders. You’ve heard the sermon of God’s forgiveness of our larger debt carrying down to those we need to forgive of much smaller debts.
We all know to forgive as we have been forgiven, but do we know how to forgive as we have been forgiven? Especially when the hurt feels deep and immeasurable. I want to discuss 3 steps to actively forgiving those that put on the cleats and tap dance on our hearts.
Prevent and Not Protect
When someone hurts us deeply, it’s easy to go into protect and prevent mode. That’s our nature. There is nothing wrong with being aware of how someone hurt us and putting preventative measures in place to be sure they don’t have the same access that they had before, especially when the wound is fresh. However, we can’t go into full protect mode that says, “No one is allowed here again!” That can hurt the rouge late-night jogger who genuinely wants to care for you, and it can harm you. A huge part of forgiveness is allowing others into spaces that have been hurt.
Forgive 70 Times 7
70 times 7 is what Jesus said. I’ve always viewed this statement of how many times I should forgive the same person for doing something against me. However, recently I’ve learned to view it differently with those deep wounds. I’ve taken the concept of forgiving 70 times 7 and applied it to how often I have to forgive the person for that deep wound.
When I’m trying to have my quiet time and that hurt bubbles up, I forgive for the 35th time. When I’m having a conversation with a close friend and I have an urge to share my pain but a voice reminds me of the wound I still carry, I forgive for the 53rd time. When I see those walls start to go up when people start getting close to me, I forgive for the 68th time. Each time I forgive, it gets a little easier. I open up a little more. I believe Jesus is reminding his disciples that forgiveness doesn’t end for us.
We are human. We can not cast others’ sins as far as the East is from the West, but we can continue to forgive and add some distance each time. 70 times 7 means to continue to forgive those who hurt you, but I think it means to continue down a path of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is Meant for You Too
When dealing with my pain, I kept asking questions like, “Why do I keep dealing with this? Why can’t I get over this? I’ve forgiven them, why can’t I just move on?” While we are so focussed on healing a wound from others, we end up digging a new wound into ourselves because we can’t just get over it. Those wounds can be even more harmful because they are self-inflicted. When I hear myself saying “What is wrong with me?”
Then, I have to start the 70 times 7 count again, but this time towards myself. This is a journey, and it’s never going to be easy, or painless. You and I are going to get it wrong, maybe more times than we get it right. That doesn’t mean we are the punching bag for our shortcomings. It means we learn from our mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and continue going. Forgiveness is meant for ourselves too. Remember to add yourself to the 70 times 7.
Forgiveness is a process. You will see the pain come and you will see the pain go like waves. Honestly, I still hear the voices that remind me of the painful reminders of what happened. However, when they start, and I get frustrated with myself and what feels like my lack of forgiveness, I am reminded of the king’s response to his servant crying out, “…the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.”
Our King is moved with compassion and forgives us, even when it’s hard to forgive ourselves.
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